So pretty much everything about living in France has been harder than I expected. From the language, to working in the organization, to ministering to West African's in the French culture.
I didn't think that I would feel as inadequate and useless as I sometimes feel. The past 17 months have been the hardest that I've ever encountered. I've struggled with depression (in some ways still do), I've struggled with finding any real depth and growth in scripture reading (overall on a daily basis), and struggled with doubt in God's plan and will in my life.
I realize that I'm living in an apartment and not a mud hut, I realize that it's cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter (on average more than most places in the world), and I realize that as an ISC I should be grateful for all the provision that we have not having to raise our own support. Compared to some other M's around the world we have it pretty good.
However, that doesn't change all the things that we have to deal with that I wasn't expecting. Such as, waiting in line from 6:15 a.m. to 3:15 in the longest, slowest line in the world just to sign up to get an appointment to renew my residence papers. Also, things like the strike we had today. The only way Ashley and I get around is on public transportation, so what do we do when all public transportation in Paris is running around 15-25% normalcy?
I've nearly completely forgotten what I was expecting before I moved here. I was either naive or more faithful, maybe both.
And if all the "comforts" that we apparently have in Western Europe are supposed to make me more joyful, than why do I not feel that joy all the time from said "comforts." Is there something that seriously wrong with me?
I've been able to get pockets and pieces of joy and deep truth from scripture that will and has sustained me. I've been able to see pockets of what God can and is doing here. But for the most part...
France has been my dry and weary land where there is no water.
I pray tomorrow and every day that follows I will be able to touch the hem of our great high priest who has passed through the heavens and is able to sympathize with my weakness. (Some where I still have hope...)
current status: dry weary land, no water, that pretty much sums it for today.
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1 comments:
Great honest post!
Ironically, I have compared the exact same Scripture to this area. And even when I studied here in the late 1990's that was my first impression. Still today, it's a dry and weary land, where there is no water.
But I can't help but also feel that we are streams in the desert. I guess I can say that on a day when I am up. Yesterday and tomorrow I may feel like I am the riders in the great race across the desert who have fallen and the vultures are circling ready to eat me(just watched Hildago).
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